vienna

Another nice train journey through the Austrian countryside with plenty to gander at. The snow was heavy but the roads were perfectly clear. It amazes me that in England and Ireland, we are beside ourselves with consternation when the snow arrives. The trains are fucked, schools close, the world is ending !! I mean, whoever would have thought it....snow.....in winter.

My elder brothers mate looked after me very well in Vienna. I hadn't seen him in some eight years but I forgot about that time. Those Dutch fungi !! I remember cycling around with him in 1991 with snooker ball eyes. Those Dutch plants!! Anyway, Martin is from Holland but now works in Vienna. It was cool for me to be led around, from bar to bar. But it does make one lazy too. First stop after leaving off my gear was to go to one of Vienna's many beautiful cafes. The one I went to was once part of some blokes house. Oh how the rich live or in his case, lived. It had highly ornate decorations, very swish. A quick frankfurter and went off to see some sights. It was dark but one can still get a feeling of being overwhelmed by the architecture. Very imposing, very imperial. It's as if the Crown Prince said to the city designers 'Okay, I want a huge, colossal muthafucka of a city which will terrify those peasants and underscore who rules the roost! Anything less, I'll kill you all'. I reckon they survived. As is my custom, we went off to an Irish bar. At one point, I thought I saw Colin Farrell in this boozer. I was preparing what I would say in my head. Something like 'Don't think you fooled me with the hard man act, I know you're a big, middle class sap who probably still calls his aul one 'Mammy'. But it wasn't him.

After the previous nights boozing, I spent far too long in bed. Got to another Christmas Market in the evening and consumed more punch. The Vienna town hall is quite fantastic as it is very cleverly illuminated. Disney probably robbed the idea from here. More beer and then to a club later called 'Flex'. It was the dub club night. The Frames, from Dublin, were playing first but we missed them. Boo hoo! What's special about this nightclub is it's bass speakers. They are gigantic. But what really tickles me is the history of these two speakers. Designed in 1942 by the German military, they were intended to destroy buildings and structures by sound wave. Only the Germans would have conceived such an idea. Imagine the battlefield, say Stalingrad, and the commander says 'It's proving impossible to flush these Ivans out, we have no other choice, bring up the bass speakers, put some Bob Marley on'.

Anyway these speakers are mounted under the stage, left and right. With my level of excitment rising all the time, I could no longer restrain myself from what I wanted to do all night. Yes, that's right, climb inside the speaker. They're that big! Repeatedly I did this much to the puzzlement of the other clubbers. At one point, while getting out of the speaker, I grabbed a girls leg thinking it was a something to get hold of like a rail or something. Oh, what a knob. What's worse is she was photographing the event so she may have taken a picture of me for sexual assualt proceedings. They'll never catch me, I tell you!!

The two nights I was there flew by. It is a definite weekend destination for the future. A nice place to relax and chill. And Martin, if you get to read this, a big thank you for all you did. It made it truly great. Also, thanks for tolerating my endless drunken jibberish. Oh, that philosophy again on the necessities of life, the theory of five- air, water, food, human contact and shit, I forgot the last one. No matter.

salzburg part two

Even though the bloke from the pub did something to allay my uneasiness about Lesbiangate , I wasn't feeling great about it. So I rented a bike, as a kind of soft punishment and but then went on to violate more laws -traffic offences. I did enjoy cycling around Salzburg. It's a lovely way to see the city, it's compact and easy to navigate. But what do you do when the cycle lane stops; some took to the pavement, others to the road. I was aware that I might be stopped for some infrigement and the rozzer would say 'Oh, you, last night, you're coming down the nick, mein mechen'.

I got lost while trying to return the bike as it was dark and a torrent of snow was falling which limited visibility to a matter of feet. Figuring it was better to die quickly in a traffic accident then freeze to death wheeling it along, I continued to cycle. Pretty stupid but that's the Irishman I am. Thankfully, I got back in one piece and decided to have a quite night. A few hours later a compromise was reached, I would allow myself to go out for one or two beers, just to be social. (Definition of social - seven pints and an unrecorded number of shots of varios types)

I met a bunch of pleasant Yankee doodles and managed to avoid political discussions in the main. But one shitkicker (US navy family spawn) reckoned the illegality of the Iraq invasion was all the fault of the French and that using phosphorous bombs is legal. Were do they get these jokers? Ever heard of UN mandates and the Geneva convention, you freak. At that moment I wished I had some of the deadly chemical and would have sprayed it on him in a confined space (so as not to hurt others) and see how he likes it.

On the upside, I met a very nice girl called Silvia. She spent time in Wexford as part of her language studies with a local family. God love her. Those boggers can barely speak English themselves never mind try to teach a sweet Salzburg girl. Also, I was quite ashamed to hear that she had to survive on a diet of lemon chicken burgers every second day with the intermittent days filled with ham, cheese and bread. A culinary experience any Mitchelin star chef would readily offer on the menu. But she did enjoy it and her Aunt married an Irishman too. Austro-Irish relations remain intact, for now.

It was good to return back to the hostel that night to find there were no new comers to the dorm. Two nights on the trot. Excellent. The hostel people were upset with me the next morning for three reasons; one of which was my late check out at 11am rather then 10am. The others will remain undisclosed. For legal reasons, just kidding, I don't want to tell, simple as that. Anyway, to each count, example 'You were meant to check out a hour ago!', I replied 'Terribly sorry, please keep the deposit, I am most disappointed with myself!' The princely deposit of 5 euro was lost forever.

No big deal, I wanted a little luxury so I checked into a hotel near the train station. I had intended on leaving that day but Silvia took me around the Christmas Market in the evening. There can be found all kinds of tasteful little things like candles, foodstuffs and trickets. It ain't Moore Street. I was only interested in the various types of punch drinks. They're like mulled wine. Very pleasant in the cold weather. Also, it was lovely to see the sense of community there with loads of people out in the Platz's just chatting and drinking the good stuff. Could of sworn I seen an Irishman try to sit on the edge of a large free standing bin, up ended it and then fell in it. So supple. It was full of the little paper cups the punch is drank from. Nice. Free booze. It was always going to happen. Seriously though, he was Austrian, and very drunk.

salzburg part one

The journey to Salzburg wasn't long. Just 4 hours. Nice. It was a feast for the eyes too. The passing countryside was covered in snow and I enjoyed looking at the different types of villages and the houses. It was the first time I had an opportunity to goof out of the train window and see things. I have mostly travelled in the dark. Literally.

Arriving at the train station, I found the hostel very quickly. I was chuffed that in my six bed dorm there was no other evidence of others 'rooming' there too. Not bad for 16 euros. From the tourist maps, I noted four Irish pubs! In a town of 145,000! As I set off through the streets, the whole thing about Salzburg struck me. It's so beautiful. Enchanting. Fairy tale like. I was always a little sceptical about the picture postcard description of a place. It is true...go to Salzburg when the snow caps the mountains.

Headed straight for the shamrock, had a few beers, talked to a few people and moved on to O'Malleys. Loathe as I was to go to a pub bearing the name of my family's solictor but I found some cool people there. By this stage I was in my yak-yak mode. Then off to the Dubliner. Owned by a most cordial bloke but he would be, he's from Finglas, named Ken. He operates a great little part of Ireland there. Maybe the office of foreign affairs should send over some dough as I'm sure he provides better value for Ireland's international reputation than any over-paid ambassador. Pissed and jolly I decide to head back to the hostel. I stopped off at the Shamrock on the way, one for the ditch and all that.

I spent a while talking a load of shite to a bunch of girls but was quite happy to do so. Two were lesbians and how shall I put it, weren't afraid to flaunt it. Didn't matter to me. Anyway, this bloke was giving them the 'I'm hetrosexual, how can you be lesbains?, check out my mickey and you'll be hetro again' thing. Know it? Happens apparently. Given the copious amounts I had drank, I couldn't put up with it anymore. I told him 'Fuck off, and leave them alone'. He started to gesture wildly at me. Then, the barman came over and threw him out. After 30 minutes of drunken dancing , I decided to leave, by now very pissed. And who's outside? This geezer!

I felt I would get my retaliation in first. I figured he had been waiting for me. So in order to grab the initiative, I walked straight up to him and said ' you wanna have it then lets have it". Drunken gobshite. He shouted back at me and I continued with my chant, getting progressively more aggressive. I could tell he was scared so I thought half the job was done. Then along comes a police car and three rozzers jump out. Fuck. He went into over ride ranting and I asked the rozzers politely if I could explain the whole 'defence of the lesbian' thing. They took my details and said it would be best if I were to go home. Cool. He remained and what happened thereafter I don't know. The journey is 15 minutes but it took me an hour. Ended up hugging some middle aged women because she gave me directions. She must have thought I was going to rape her or something. The important thing was I didn't get arrested. I wouldn't have deserved it but you never know. Wrongful convictions and soon a movement would rise to 'Free the Salzburg One'.

Next morning I recognised one of the barman. In my Hostel. Sitting beside me at breakfast! This was an awful feeling. I told him my story and he said the bloke I encountered called the police to protest about being thrown out. He's now barred. Apparently, he's the 241st to be barred from that boozer. Phew!

Maybe I should have given him a dig........